Truth be told....

The magic of social media is that you can control your image. You can post things to Instagram and Facebook all manipulated by the individuals choice. The image that you have an amazing adventurous, glamourous life. We only give and share what we think or deem appropriate. There isn't a person alive using social media who doesn't censor themselves to a certain degree, myself included. I didn't even disclose all the many things that happened in Alaska, my reason for leaving early and the whirlwind spiral my life was after that shit storm was over.... there's a lot that happened but I wasn't ready to share it (that's a post for another day though longer and with more detail).

I have finally settled here in New Mexico with my amazing boyfriend. Trying to settle back into a mirror image of what my life was in Arizona, a multitude of jobs I don't love, yoga which I do love and keeps me sane from my inability to adventure and see the world......and currently I'm eavesdropping at a coffee shop. 

I'm entering data for a job I'm good at but don't love, it's interesting and makes me seem intelligent, but it doesn't fulfill me. After years of bartending I'm a master at following other peoples conversations from across the room. A man I've never met is talking to a Frenchman he's never met and they begin talking about the Frenchman's amazing story and life. The Frenchman is a sturdy earth toned adventurer, with a salt and pepper curled ponytail with scruff around his face and a mischievous spark to his eye, as he speaks about his dream to explore the terrains of America. Hearing them talk makes me feel at home, the stirr of butterflies begins to flutter in my stomach and I'm involuntarily smiling at the thought of adventure, on the edge of a cliff so high you are swallowed up whole in a cloud. 

 I'm not meant for a normal life. I should stop trying to shove myself back into a cookie cutter world when things go bad. Truth be told no one is meant to be put in a box. 

Sometimes there is too much stuff

Recently I started going to a warm studio in New Mexico, mostly because it's the only one in town and I'm going to be here for another couple years (and let's be real I can't survive happily without it). I've been noticing the "need" for blocks, blankets and straps. I know that blocks are useful, and help aid when there's an asana you're trying to work into or if you're not flexible enough yet. But I can't help but be a little irritated when a teacher demands everyone in the room needs them (I've seen this in multiple states and studios I'm not picking on the one I went to). It implies to me that we all need assistance and can't listen to our bodies without more stuff.

Now don't get me wrong some inflexibilities will be immediately helped with this aid, but as each body is different so is each practice. I don't really like getting the stink eye in class for not getting more things that will go unused by my mat. I'm here for yoga, not aerobics. I want to connect with myself and not spend 3 minutes listening the proper hand placement on a block, where I can place my blanket and how to adjust a strap. Trust me if I'm not ready I will back off into an alternate posture. It just seems (for me) like an interruption. I'm settling into a sweet conversation with my breath flow, movement, my thoughts are going to useful and peaceful places, and suddenly I have to stop so we can all gather things to place around us. I want to unclutter not gather.

Maybe it's the minimalist in me but I don't think everyone needs blocks and blankets all the time for every pose. For me I know that if my body isn't ready or not feeling super flexible in supposed to back off and go when I'm supposed to. I have my whole life to become a human pretzel and I want to savor every moment ego breaking moment of 'I thought I could do this, welp there's always next time' or 'I hope my face doesn't bruise from my make out sesh with gravity' sans stuff.

Things Your Hot Yoga Teacher Wants To Tell You

I have been teaching hot yoga for a few years not incredibly long, but long enough to notice that sometimes no matter what we say some people just don't pay attention. Which is understandable given that being half naked in a hot room with a bunch of strangers can be a lot of stimulus. But in case you didn't catch some subtle hints here is what you teacher is trying to say to you. 

1. Take A Break:

I know every workout you were ever taught was followed up with "finish strong" or statements like "pain is just weakness leaving the body". Well yoga is taught for life, not wreck your body which can easily be done if you are trying to force flexibility on a person who hasn't stretched a day in their life. Your number one goal is to breath! Passing out is not breathing. It takes time and believe me your teacher will not judge you for taking a little savasana to catch your breath. If we are standing right next to you and repeatedly suggesting a break.... we are subtly trying to get you to lay down. We want you to feel good when you leave!

2. Quit Talking To Your Friends

"OMG IT'S HOT IN HERE!!!" No shit it's a HOT yoga class. We know. The thing is, myself as a teacher I don't mind people talking. But everyone else in the room does. Have you ever tried to relax while someone is just chatting away next to you? Or study in a library and someone is on their cell phone? Better yet someone on the phone while in a movie theater...... you want to punch them in the throat for ruining your happy place? That's what it feels like to the other people in the room. Respect your fellow students space.

3. Gum and Phones

Most hot yoga studios have waivers.... please read your waiver. Nearly every one I have seen says something along the lines of "I will not bring my phone in the room" and "I will not chew gum in the classroom". Here is the reason for no gum besides choking. Try doing deep breathing exercises

with a mouth full of gum. It's one more thing to distract you. Cell phones are a distraction from you, to everyone in the room and the heat in the room can damage them. You are in yoga to relax not anticipate the next Facebook update or worry about a text convo. Leave that stress outside.

4. Quit Trying to Compete 

That bendy chick/dude who literally looks like a pretzel in space is not in competition with you. Trying to do what they are doing is silly. I can damn near guarantee they have been practicing for YEARS and have had to endure falling on their faces hundreds of times before attempting that headstand with effortless grace. You will get there, but trying to do what someone else is doing won't help you. What will help you get there is paying attention to your body. It will let you know when to advance. I pinky promise. Also as an addition..... doing other workouts while is yoga is kind of rude. Shadow boxing in tree pose just seems a little douchey.

5. Stop Giving a Shit

Your make-up is going to sweat off your face, your clothes are going to move around in weird places, your hair is going to look like a tornado. There is a chance you're going to come out of class looking like a drowned rat. No one goes to hot yoga with out coming out sweaty and soggy. It's just the name of the game. So fixing the way you look or looking around to see who is looking just takes time away from what really matters. Time with yourself. Your wonderful sweaty truly amazing self.

In the end we are all searching for a little miracle. Something to make us thinner, less stressed, happier, more organized, the list never ends. Yoga may not cure all but it can cure most. Remember all good things take time and patience.... and water. Remember your water.

Selling My Life

Lately in the past week or so I've been getting admiring comments from my friends about my up coming adventure to Alaska. "You're so brave!" "I could never do what you're doing!"....Yes it all sounds cool, and I wish I could leave right now. I am getting so antsy. There is so much to do I almost don't want to do it. donate it all and bounce.  

But here's the truth as of right now... I am getting kind of scared. I did my best to find a home for my dog Watson and received help from the Arizona Animal Welfare League. I cried for two days, my fluffy, angry puppy has been my family for the past 6 years. I sold my couch and some clothes so far. I know what I'm doing is for the best but it seems over whelming at the moment. I have that feeling in my chest it gets stronger everyday. You know the feeling.... That deep breath you take before you jump off a mountain, before you start a race. That moment you know you're about to do something so big it will change you forever. 

I just have to keep telling myself that I will be brave.

I will.

Defining the self.

I hear that when beginning a journey it is pretty natural to start questioning the self. Where do I fit in? Where do I come from? Do I have the strength to make this path work? The journey I'm about to start in on is going to be a long process.I have a 5 yearish plan; and yes "don't die"is on the list. I'm about to head up to Alaska in a month or so and it's in the hopes I can pay off some debt and start savings for a yoga studio or festival. I haven't really decided on which but I think that my main goals are to spread the love of yoga, healthy lifestyle and the knowledge that people can be in control of their own happiness. 

I know this sounds like a bunch of hippie bullshit. I'm aware. This is what has been leading me to this whole defining the self business. Yoga is a community of light, love, nonjudgmental space, yada yada yada. The majority of yoga studio owners are completely the opposite of all of this and put up a lovely shield to mask the general public. Well most I've run into in Arizona anyway. There are handfuls of amazing people, my good friend Ashley has the biggest heart of nearly anyone I've met and her studio screams love and positive vibes to its core. I'm not saying that owner are all bad the ones that really mean what they say have a solid following. But let's take birkam for example; guy is a big old bag of sweaty yoga dicks when it comes to spreading the message and wealth; he's like Tillikum. While he is the most well known whale and puts on a good show his dark and crazy undertone has seeped into the rest of the sea. 

Naturally with a personality like mine I should be censored. While I would never harm a child (I think lol) I laugh at dead baby jokes, I curse, and I have this habit of saying whatever I feel like. Which can be misinterpreted as not being yoga like. But part of being a yogi is accepting of yourself. I accept that I have an old drunk mans sense of humor and that sometimes I can be a little judgey. It's human nature to occasionally judge I fight the battle everyday to be less like that but sometimes I have to let my humor ride. It just seems like the image of the "yoga woman" is earthy and kind and full of sweetness. It's hard to shove myself into that mold. I'm mess and all over the place, I love caffeine and hate kombucha, and a sailers mouth. Perhaps there will be a place for me among the men like the great Brian Kest whole makes me feel completely alright with just letting the fuck go, damn it.